Fear and Pride

In most peoples thought process' a person who has no fear is strong and having pride is an accoplishment.

People who have pride and fear nothing are usually considered heros, books and legends have proven this.

I don't want to be a hero, I want to be happy. Pride gets in the way to much, causing fights that are senseless, so if I have any I try to throw it away. And I fear almost everything, the dark, being alone, things that I can't control(which is almost everything). The only reason I don't throw away my fear is because it doesn't get in my way.

Fear and Pride mean nothing compared to my Happiness.

There is a reason...

That I haven't been posting that much. Nothing is really happening, yet at the same time a lot of stuff is happening.

There's not a lot of stuff that I know you would want to read about, but there is a lot of stuff that I have to do, like homework...well mostly homework.

Uh, lets see...I finished ALL of the laundry the other day, by MYSELF. That right there is a true accomplishment for me, because it has never happened and I had absolutely no reason for doing it except for the pile was getting big enough to hide people in it(thats kinda normal for us)
Mom thinks nesting kicked in, Mike hopes it did, I don't think so.

I cut out little tiny fairies for my photo project and my finger swelled up. I have never seen this before so I thought it was cool.

We have a baby appointment on Wed. in which they will make me drink something that they assure me will just taste 'really sugary, definitely not bad', which I assume means it will taste awful. I asked if was worse than whiskey, cuz I can take a shot of whiskey and that tastes like shit, so if it was worse than that we would have problems, and the nurse replied, 'oh no! its better than whiskey. I know what you mean I hate whiskey.' I'm not sure what that means but I don't think she understood what I meant at all.

I keep telling people wrong when they ask me how far along I am, not on purpose, just because I am really bad at math. I keep asking Mike how far along I am so I can keep track.
I am almost 6 months :)

Junior is coming fast! And instead of asking myself if I am ready to be a parent, I keep wondering if I should breast pump before he gets here, just in case he doesn't do that latching thing...which I kinda think means I am sorta maybe ready.

Okay, that was a shitty post, I'm sorry. Please don't hit me with rocks.

Please.

I am totally HUGE

Well not really.
If you saw me on the street and didn't know me from before the pregginess, then you would think, "preggy or not?" Or if you could recognize that I'm preggy then you might think, "not very far along."

but I'm like a week away from being 6 months, so I am more than halfway and I am literally growing everyday, noticeably, to me at least.

Is it supposed to happen this fast? I've been told it is, but its so hard to believe because its happening to my body. I'm almost out of my coco butter, not because I, in a frantic attempt to avoid stretch marks, have been smearing it on thicker, but because there is A LOT more skin to cover....Ok I might be smearing it on a little thick.

And does anyone know how to crack the lower part of your back when you have a belly that looks and feels like a basketball? Its really hard to lay on my stomach, and when ppl see me they scream and think I am crushing the baby. (Mom)
I'm not, because if you have ever laid on a basketball you would know that the basketball doesn't move, it just smushes you, which is what happens when you lay on your pregnant belly.
And if that crushing the baby thing were true people wouldn't pay for abortions.

Junior is moving like a damn soccer player these days, its so COOL! The only time its not cool is when he kicks me awake, then its like, "Huh? Why did I wak-OW!"
Because of him moving so much I keep imaging him outside my belly. but my imgaination is limited because I have no experience with newborns, so instead of imagining what they show on tv I just keep seeing Junior sleeping(hopefully), and smiling(hopefully), and having arguments with him, that he won't understand, about kicking his legs when I change his diaper because he gets poop on them when he does that. These things just keep circling in my mind, and even though it doesn't seem likely, it fills up my brain making it impossible to do normal things.

I wish I could bottle bliss and hand it out like candy.

This pregnancy thing is reeking havoc on my mind, I can barely remember what I did last week.(thats not true, I actually can't remember what I did last week, don't call the funny farm plz)

^That's a disclaimer in case I get off track. Okay! Now for the real shit!

So here lately my friends and family, which are basically the same people, have been having a lot of shit thrown their way. When I say 'shit' I mean bad luck, hard decisions, and the not nice side of life.
Everyone goes through tough times like this, but it seems to have formed a bubble around the people I love at the moment.

Things like car accidents, money problems, family sickness, and those kinds of decisions that once you choose one path to walk there truly is no turning back. The best part about writing about this is that I know that people who read this will understand exactly what I am describing. These are the kind of things that don't just make a bad day, they can make a bad few months, sometimes even a bad year.

I don't know how to fix cars, the money I have to hand out is at max about ten dollars, I am no doctor, and I don't want to decide your life. But I can listen, and maybe give some advice and/or chocolate.

I wish I could bottle my happiness, or whatever chemical it is my brain releases whenever I get into some bad shit that says, "Well, fuck it. It will all be okay in the end."


Because it has to be okay in the end, for me at least. My goal in life is to be happy, and I keep that in mind with every decision I make. When decisions are taken from me, and life throws me something stinky, that chemical in my brain comes in handy. It brings reality to the forefront of my mind, reality that this bad situation is a passing phase, if it wasn't people wouldn't plant flowers, or smile for photos, there wouldn't be any laughter.
And since I can still see all these things and more I can sigh, not waste to much of my stress and tears(I would rather use my tears on a good book, wedding, or laughing to hard) and get through it.
I've talked with a few of my family members about my way of handling things, and they are usually confused and envious(not bragging) about how I can wave away dirt and bad air to see the light at the end.

I can do that because I know its the truth. Happiness isn't always big, sometimes its really really small, you just have to keep a lookout for it and grab it, cuz otherwise it will just pass you by.

^^Bottle that shit right there. Plz take with a smile and some chocolate.



ps I am glad I put that disclaimer at the top, because I think I went off subject somehow. I don't know how cuz I can't remember what it was exactly that I wanted to write about, but I am pretty sure this is damn close.

pss Pretty sure

Sorry I was MIA

I've have been losing my mind, and can't remember if I have done stuff already or not. I somehow thought when this "absentmindedness" came that I would remember that I forgot something, but thats a no go. I forget completely, which means I forget that I forgot...which is how insanity is born.

So our vague theme of woodsy green and brown for Junior was ruined with one trip to Babies R Us. Mike fell in love with this 'playard' thing that will be replacing our crib and also is a playpen, bassinet, mobile, and diaper changing table. It also has a hamper and shelves, and its about 3 feet tall and can be folded up and carried around.

All this kickass cool shit, and it the damn thing only comes in one color choice of blue and brown. Thats just silly. But doesn't really matter because we have to have it.

Mike also discovered that he LOVES baby stuff with monkeys on it. I hold up a cute baby sweater and he holds up a identical one except for the little monkey head on the front. His is better, and you can't make him think otherwise.

I discovered that I do not have as much of an opinion as Mike does when it comes to what our baby will wear, sleep-in, and eat out of. My only preference that I am aware of is, "Can we find this softer?"

I think its fantastic that it has worked out this way. Mike picks things and brands with good reason backing him up, so much so that I question why I didn't think of these things, and totally appreciate that he did. One of us should right?


ps this post was supposed to be about something else, but I forgot.

pss actually now I can't remember if I had a subject in mind when I began writing this post

psss is today even Tuesday?