The other day I was having a ton of braxton hixs when I wasn't supposed to be, and even though I was for sure that nothing was wrong(or as others call it 'denial') I went to Labor and Delivery. When I got there they had to put me in a big Baby Giving Birth room instead of the small testing room because they ran out of beds in there, which I found slightly scary at first, then realized it was just really cold and not enough blankets.
They gave me a hospital dress and a weird hunk of blanket that they told me to "step into". I asked what the hunk of blanket was for and they said it was a belly band. My thoughts: 'You gave me a belly band to wear, but no pants? Can I trade?' The question must have seeped onto my face through my brain because the nurse informed me it was to hold the monitors in place.
After doing a swirling dance to tie myself into the stupid dress, the nurses then proceeded to laugh at me when I exited the bathroom. Apparently I had turned the dress into something they have never seen before resembling something like a toga. And they really did laugh...loudly. Even though the nurse fixed my dress for me, I was glad that I accidentally peed all over the cup, rather than just in it, and happily watched the nurse carry it out.
The first thing they did was check if I was dilated. And since I think that you deserve a laugh more than I need my dignity, I shall tell you how it went.
I had two nurses, one new and one old, and the new one checked me first. I told them I have never been checked before, and the older nurse told me how to position myself to make it easier....it was the most awkward position ever. It was made even more awkward because the older nurse was explaining it wrong.
Old Nurse: 'Place your hands on your hips and pull up.'
Old Nurse: 'No, place your hand on your hips.'
Me: 'These are my hips.'
Old Nurse: 'No lower.'
Me: 'My thighs?'
Old Nurse: 'No, lower.'
Me: '...My butt?'
Old Nurse: 'Yes, your butt. Now pull up.'
Me: '...' (This is the point in which I spread my butt cheeks)
And the new nurse checks me, which takes a while because she has only done it once before.
After the new nurse the old one checks her work, the work being ME. Like I'm a homework assignment.
Old Nurse: 'Okay, now pull up on your hips.'
Me: '...huh?' (My cheeks are still spread)
Old Nurse: 'Your doing it wrong. Pull up on your hips.'
My thoughts: 'Why the FUCK didn't you tell me I was exposing my asshole for no reason! WHY!?'
Old Nurse: 'No, your hips.'
Me: 'These are my hips!'
Old Nurse: 'No, lower.'
Me: 'Do you mean my ass?! Is that what you want me to pull up, my ass!?'
Old Nurse: 'Ha, yes your ass.'
Me: *sigh* 'Okay.'
Old Nurse: 'No, put your hands under, and pull up'
Me: 'Like this?'
Old Nurse: 'No, put them under, and pull up.'
Me: 'I am. My hands are under my ass, and I am pulling up.'
Old Nurse: 'No, make fists.'
Old Nurse: 'Yes.'
(I realize at this point that this woman wants me to HOLD my butt up so that they can find my cervix better, I also realize that this woman is retarded.)
The check is then done, and at which point Junior kicks the old nurse from inside of me, and the nurse yelps, 'He kicked me!'
Good Boy, sticking up for mommy.
In the end, I wasn't dilated or anything, and my tests came back and I had a yeast and urinary track infection, which can cause contractions, and now I am on antibiotics. Its the best possible solution, and I am very thankful for it.
The end of a VERY long post.
plz don't hate me.