Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I read, and learn people are stupid

 I found an article in American Baby that I totally disagree with. Finding this article is like a freaking fate cuz I was just thinking the opposite!
Name of the article: Pregnant & Loving It
First of all the introduction uses the wording 'downright delightful' which I seriously can not think of a situation I would use those words without sarcasm, and in no way should be used to describe pregnancy. Its weird.
They broke there reasons for loving pregnancy into paragraph sections, and since I love you, I will be summarizing these into one to two sentences. My thoughts will be in italic.

You Munch With Meaning: basically it says cuz you are worried about your babies health, you eat healthier. So now you only eat really healthy stuff.
I am eating a lot healthier, in fact I have almost completely rearranged my eating habits. I hate it. I ate all kinds of good things before, good TASTING things. Now I eat all this healthy shit, and I have gained zero weight because of it. When baby pops out its back to coffee through out the day and all the chocolate I can inhale.

You Boogie With The Bump: this paragraph can be summed up with a quote, "When you're working out for two, breaking a sweat feels more enjoyable."
No, no it doesn't. You are a liar. My temperature is high all the time now because of those lovely hormones and I get dizzy if I move to much. Damn liar.

You Could Be Fighting Breast Cancer: if you conceive before 30, you may lower your risk for breast cancer. "Researchers aren't sure why."
Almost had me there, except of course when I read that 'may' part, oh and the part about researchers not knowing why. Which makes it sound like they made it up. Also the fact that my grandmother, great aunt, and great grandmother all had children in their 20s and still have lumps in their breasts. How about that for research.

You Get Smarter: you grow wiser, because you aren't drinking and smoking anymore. Also you have a doctor on call 24/7 to help you make the best descion.
Ha! I'm not sure how not drinking helps you grow wiser, but not being able to have an occasional beer SUCKS. And if you need to call the doctor for every descion you make, you were stupid to begin with. I am actually backpedaling in the brain cell category, yesterday I forgot to rinse the conditioner out of my hair, and twice a week I try to leave the house without shoes.

You're The Center Of Attention: once you start showing everyone loves you. You get to cut in line for a long bathroom line, people carry things for you, hold doors, and bring you chairs to prop your feet up on. "So enjoy!"
You needy selfish bitch. I make jokes about not being able to do normal things cuz I am preggo, but to expect to be treated like a queen is bullshit. Stop it.

You Learn To Go Zen: the breathing and relaxation techniques you learn in childbirth classes help you after the birth to, well relax. When your toddler throws a fit in the store you will use the relaxation methods.
I am honestly not sure how this is helpful. Before I got preggy I learned how to relax myself, so I'm good. And I'm pretty sure that a child leash and chocolate bribery will be more effective than knowing how to breathe if your kid throws a fit in a store.

Surprise Yourself: watching your body transform is amazing. "Pregnant women are proud of their body and its incredible abilities."
Yes, almost, not really, but almost. Watching my body quickly go through all of my clothes is frustrating and sad. And the pregnant body is super cool, it would be just as cool if it was happening to my husband instead of me.

They also have a section called 'tangible' benefits:
Thicker Hair: the hormones make your hair thicker.
Yeah, it totally rocks to be laying in bed, completely naked with the A/C on and still sweat your ass off.
Stronger Nails: yet again, hormones.
It was neat for a few seconds to have long, strong nails, then I accidentally scratched my face and snagged some of the only clothes that fit me anymore.
Glowing Skin: increased blood flow gives you a rosy complexion.
I wouldn't describe the color as rosy, but more of a yellow brown color. It goes well with the greasy skin, erm, I mean glowing skin.
Increased Sexual Desire: more blood flow to your genitals can lead to heightened sex drive and greater pleasure.
Okay, this is true. Yes, ok! Yes, yes, YES!


  1. Oh classes are going to be so much fun with you this year lol

  2. I second what Katie said. Like I'm seriously looking forward to class cause of you lol <3